How Your Identity Fuels Unhappiness
Remove Ego from the Driver’s Seat
When I was working in London, I would sometimes go out for a few beverages after work.
I was thinking of the best way to describe the City of London after work in the bars and pubs, and I found a lovely quote from the famous philosopher Obi-Wan Kenobi describing Mos Eisley in Star Wars:
“You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.”
The stench of ego was overwhelming.
The collection of Managers, Directors, IT team leaders, and of course highly paid w…bankers. All gathered in drinking establishments giving off authoritative, condescending, ego driven attitudes. It reminded me of working the doors, where I’d come across the middle‑aged “IT Manager” with a wobbly gut and mega attitude.
It was like these guys had left work and forgot the rest of society don’t work for them. They were their work persona. Their laminated company pass wasn’t just around their neck — it was their whole personality.
And it got me thinking — when did we start confusing what we do with who we are?
“Who Are You, Really?” — Identity Unmasked
This is a question for the ages!
We’re made up of so many stories. Gender, religion, sexuality, values, career, appearance, education, trauma, and more. The previous paragraph highlights what I’ve witnessed when people fixate on one aspect of their lives. In this case, it’s their career.
That one piece becomes their whole identity:
“I am my job.”
“I am my muscles.”
“I am my follower count.”
“I am my trauma.”
This is a fast track to inauthenticity and unhappiness.
Take the IT Manager barking orders at his team. He might get away with it at work. But outside of work, he’s one comment away from a punch in the face. That rigid identity?
Trouble waiting to happen.
We’re all a collection of stories, stitched together by culture, belief, biology, and experience. But problems start when one story tries to take over your whole life.
And how does the loudest story take over?
Blame it on the ego.
Ego & Identity
Ego is the “I, Me, Mine”.
It builds an image taking inputs from the external world and our own experience and creates an avatar we come to believe is us.
The ego gives us a name, a sense of continuity, and the ability to navigate the world. It's our psychological survival suit. But it becomes a problem when we forget we can take it off.
Ego is believed to operate in the Default Mode Network (DMN) of the brain (fig. 1). It’s a circuit that fires when we’re not doing anything in particular, often spinning stories about who we are, what others think, and what might happen.
We’ll go into how we can manipulate the DMN further down.
fig.1
In short, when ego is in charge, identity gets distorted — not into something monstrous, but something small. A reduced version of you that only knows how to protect, compare, and pretend.
When Ego Takes Over: Signs to Watch (If you tick more than 3 of these, you’re in trouble😁… I know I am! )
If ego is left unchecked, it creates loads of problems.
1. It thrives on comparison - When it leads, enough is never enough. It measures your worth against others.
2. It resists growth - It fears change, vulnerability, and being wrong. Growth requires humility; Kryptonite for ego!
3. It creates a false identity - You think you are your job, body, achievements, or likes.
4. It keeps you in loops - It loves rumination, imaginary conversations, what-ifs.
5. It blocks connection - It can't truly listen. It’s too busy defending, judging, or performing.
6. You’re easily offended - Every slight feels like an attack.
7. Belief battles - Any challenge feels like a personal threat, not a discussion.
8. You must always be right - It confuses being wrong with being unworthy.
Our identity and ego go hand in hand like Batman and Robin, only that it’s the toxic dynamic duo version.
But if ego takes the wheel, you’re not driving; you're reacting and back into survival mode.
The moment you step away from the image you’ve built, you’ll see you’re so much more than the labels you’ve lived by.
You’re not the role.
You’re not the skin and bones.
You’re what’s beneath it, and that’s where freedom lives.
Ego in Religion / Spirituality
Across traditions, ego is called the veil. It’s the illusion that blocks the light of truth. Whether it’s called Maya, pride, or attachment, it’s always the same message:
“Wake up, and find your true identity and purpose.”
Here’s a selection of views on ego from the different paths:
Hinduism - The ego is part of the illusion (Maya). You mistake your temporary role for your eternal soul.
Buddhism - Clinging to “I” causes suffering. Letting go leads to freedom.
Christianity - Humility and surrender are key. The ego is tied to pride, vanity, and separation from God.
Taoism - Ego is resistance to the natural flow (Tao). Let go to flow.
New Age (Hawkins, Dispenza) - Ego is the illusion. Your true self is the observer.
Sikhism - Ego is the veil between the soul and Creator.
Common thread? Ego separates us from truth, peace, and higher consciousness.
Science maps the brain. Spirituality maps the soul. Both agree — when ego takes over, we lose the plot.
How Ego commits Identity Fraud
When ego is in the driver’s seat, it uses pride, vanity, and validation as fuel. And as we’ve seen from previous blogs – using these external markers to make us happy make us lose our authenticity. And when we do that, we live a life in survival mode – in life’s hamster wheel.
So, what happens when ego is let loose?
It takes over who we are and then projects a fake image of us out into the world.
It’s committing spiritual identity fraud.
It's not our bank account getting emptied — it's our souls.
Identity fraudsters include:
That “IT Manager” - Because micro-managing, condescending, and wielding power screams, “I’m insecure AF.”
The Online Social Activist - Fighting for likes, retweets, and that sweet dopamine hit of being “right” online.
The Social Media Whore - Pecs out, oiled up and ready for the likes.
The Road Rage Maniac - Screaming at a red light like it personally insulted their existence.
The Know-It-All at the party - Interrupting, correcting, never listening.
The Drama Queen/King - Turning molehills into mountains, relationships into battlegrounds.
The Perfectionist - Never good enough, always chasing impossible standards.
The Victim - Life’s a conspiracy against them.
The Gossip Addict - Boosting self-worth through other people’s drama.
The ego is the pride, virtue-signalling, vanity, validation, self-importance, power – which then fuels the part of our identity that needs it – and your identity becomes distorted.
You become your career.
You become your body.
You become your religion.
You become your gender.
You become your sport.
You become your trauma.
You become your diet.
We let these things define us.
We focus on that one thing that we think makes us special and we forego the rest of us.
And that’s ultra-processed identity. Just like the junk food, it’s tasty but toxic.
How Ego hurts you
Like most people, I’ve had my heart broken. Somehow, she got in behind those chiselled pecs! Or did she?
Was it my heart or was it my ego that was damaged?
“I can’t believe she did that to me”
Similarly, when someone cuts you up while you’re driving. Where does that rage even come from?
“How dare he do that to me!”
No promotion?
“But, I worked my ass off!”
It’s me, me, me. Ego takes the hit, and you suffer.
It’s the “Me”, “I”, and “Mine” that takes a hammering. We are so concerned with protecting our image, our persona and our ideals that when we feel they’ve been attacked. We feel attacked.
Let’s use love as an example.
Wanda tells Thanos, she’s not happy and she wants to leave the relationship.
Poor Thanos ☹ He’s thinking:
“Why me?”
“Am I not good enough for her?”
“How could she do this to me?”
(And for the Marvel fans) “I’m going to wipe out half of humanity” 😊
His poor ego has been smashed. And now he’s both a victim and miserable.
But what could the conversation be like if ego was taken out?
“I hope you’re happy Wanda.”
“I’m glad you were honest with me.”
“I’m grateful for the time we spent together.”
Thanos, like the rest of us, has an identity tangled up in ego. So when something threatens that identity, be it heartbreak, rejection, or redundancy. The instant reaction is to feel attacked, hurt, angry and lost. Because the identity says,
“me, me, me.”
Coming from a place of understanding, compassion, and gratitude dissolves ego. And in that space, peace can grow.
Or maybe… it is pure heartbreak? 😢
But here’s what I’ve seen:
Someone gets made redundant from a job they became.
Not just worked at, but became it.
And it breaks them. And again I wonder, was it their heart that shattered?
Or was it their ego that couldn’t handle being rejected?
Same with love, status, roles. The pain is real, but the source? Often, it’s not the soul or heart that’s crying, it’s the ego having a meltdown.
But what if we could shift that lens?
Instead of seeing ourselves as fixed roles such as job titles, relationships, bodies or labels. We see ourselves as essence. Fluid. Expansive. Evolving.
We realise we are not what we do, we are what we are when all that’s stripped away.
That’s freedom. That’s peace. That’s authenticity.
Taking Ego out of the Equation and Regaining your True Identity
You can’t kill the ego. But you can quieten it and reconnect to your true self.
Here are some ways to quieten it:
Meditation - Reduces Default Mode Network (DMN) activity, especially when attention is trained on the breath, body, or present moment. Long-term meditators show structural and functional changes in DMN connectivity.
Psychedelics (under guided, clinical or ceremonial contexts) - Substances like Psilocybin (Magic Mushrooms) and DMT (Ayahuasca) dramatically decrease DMN activity. This is often described as ego dissolution where you gain access to deeper truths and lots of colourful geometric patterns… apparently 😉.
Flow States (aka "being in the zone") - When deeply immersed in an activity such as art, sport, writing, music the DMN goes offline. Athletes and creatives call this “losing yourself,” which is neurologically true.
Breathwork & Body-based Practices - Holotropic breathwork, Wim Hof method, or intense somatic experiences can alter DMN activity.
Gratitude, Compassion, Awe - Experiences of awe (e.g. nature, art, the cosmos), deep gratitude, or selfless compassion can reduce DMN activation. These states shift focus from self to something greater.
The ego is a terrible driver.
Reckless, insecure, always trying to prove something.
Obsessed with how things look, not how they are.
Let it take the wheel, and you’ll keep crashing into the same walls —
defensiveness, comparison, overthinking, burnout.
None of which lead to happiness.
It builds a false identity. Slaps on labels.
And convinces you that’s who you are.
It’s not.
So stop letting it call the shots.
Push it back to the passenger seat.
And give yourself the space to find out who you really are —
beneath the noise, beyond the image, outside the ego.
The Identity equation
((a+b+c) - (d+e)) x f = True Identity
Where:
a = Self-awareness - Noticing your patterns, triggers, and thoughts without running from them.
b = Humility - Drop the need to be right.
c = Inner stillness - Creating space from the noise so you can actually hear yourself.
d = External validation - Stop seeking approval and validation.
e = Ego attachment - The roles, labels, and masks you think you have to wear.
f = Authentic action - Doing what aligns with your values, not your image.
When you add awareness, humility, and inner stillness.
And subtract the need for validation and your ego’s grip.
Then fuel it all with aligned, authentic action.
That’s when your real self walks in.
Not the one playing a part. The one who finally feels free and at peace.
Final note
We spend so much of our lives trying to protect a version of ourselves we never fully chose. An identity patched together by culture, expectations, algorithms, and fear.
But who are you really, when no one’s watching?
You’re not a brand. You’re not a label. You’re not just the sum of your stories.
You are the awareness behind it all.
The more you quiet the ego, the clearer your true identity becomes and the more peace you’ll find in just being you.
So breathe. Strip off the layers. And start living from the inside out.
Because the world doesn’t need another persona.
It needs the authentic you.
Homework:
Who are you when the titles fall away?
Which part of your identity is fed by ego?
What’s one practice this week to reconnect with your true self — the you that exists even when no one’s watching?
Stay True
You know Who
Thanks for sharing this with us Guv 🙏